The air is thick with pumpkin spice and false confidence. Half the league’s managers are teetering on the edge of insanity — staring at their lineups like doomsday prophets decoding the Book of Revelations. Week 7 didn’t so much happen as it oozed through the cracks in the schedule: messy, unpredictable, and sticky with regret. There were explosions of brilliance, craters of stupidity, and one or two performances so limp they could be used as Halloween decorations. Let’s light a candle, crack open a gas station Four Loko, and relive the carnage.

The Ragtag Misfits didn’t just win — they detonated. DeVonta Smith (36.5), Ja’Marr Chase (36.0), and Jaxon Smith-Njigba (28.0) tag-teamed Fred Durst’s dignity like a bad karaoke night gone wrong. By halftime, the Misfits were already building a shrine to the fantasy gods out of Dorito dust and broken dreams. Fred Durst got a solid 32.5 from Jonathan Taylor and 26 from Mahomes, but the rest of his roster ghosted him like a Tinder date who realized he still quotes Limp Bizkit lyrics unironically.

The Hummers came roaring back to life thanks to Jahmyr Gibbs (42.5!) and Bo Nix (40.0), combining for a fantasy fever dream so hot it could power a small midwestern town. Davante Adams chipped in 24.5 just to make sure no one was left alive. Ertz Wentz I Pee put up a valiant effort behind CMC’s 40.5 — a performance so good it deserved its own Greek tragedy — but Tee Higgins and Detroit’s D/ST were left holding the bag. A tough loss, but at least they didn’t pee themselves. Much.

Ham Stroker finally achieved full release — of points, that is. Justin Herbert (37.0) led a glorious offensive climax, followed by Jordan Addison (21.5) and Rashee Rice (20.5), each thrusting deeper into the Gyros’ defensive despair. Meanwhile, Homer’s Gyros were spinning like a broken rotisserie — CeeDee Lamb’s 27.5 and Trey McBride’s 24.0 couldn’t save them. Skattebo’s 16.5 was fine, but the rest of the roster looked like it got lost in the kitchen after too many ouzos.

Find Yourself a CeeDee has found themselves atop the league again, and it’s starting to feel personal. Quinshon Judkins (27.0), D’Andre Swift (25.5), and Jamaal Williams (23.5) ran roughshod over the once-jovial Johnsons, who looked like a man trying to smile through a divorce. Dak Prescott (25.0) did his best, but Bijan and Amon-Ra each stalled at 18.0. The Johnsons’ locker room now smells faintly of despair and Axe body spray.

The Jeanty-man emerged from the intellectual swamp this week swinging a crowbar. Drake London (32), Kendrick Bourne (21.5), and Jalen Hurts (20) turned the matchup into a think-tank on pain delivery. Find Yourself a CeeDee, meanwhile, forgot to find themselves a touchdown — Jayden Daniels (21) tried, but the rest of the roster put up numbers that looked like a math quiz gone wrong. CeeDee’s 60.5 points mark one of the lowest totals of the season — a masterclass in existential fantasy dread.

Sometimes, fate doesn’t just twist the knife — it flips you off while doing it. The Unluckies squeaked out a 0.5-point win in a matchup so ugly it should have been played behind a curtain. Josh Jacobs’ 18.5 and Chicago D/ST’s 16.0 barely held off A.J. Brown’s monster 32.0 for the Jackalopes. In postgame interviews, Brown said he felt “violated by math.” Jackalope management has since filed a formal complaint with God.