October arrived like a drunk uncle at a wedding — loud, sweaty, and uninvited — and the CMI managers responded in kind. It was a week of brutal wins, half-dead quarterbacks, and bench blunders that smelled like rotting pumpkin guts. As the league barrels toward midseason, tempers are flaring, records are tightening, and at least one team (Tom’s Great Unwashed, we’re looking at you) might need to burn sage over their roster to lift whatever ungodly curse has taken hold. Let’s rip open this sack of statistical depravity and see who survived the blood harvest of Week 6.

Some call it domination. Others call it a ritual sacrifice. The Unluckies put on a clinic so violent it should’ve required a parental advisory sticker. Rico Dowdle detonated for 37 points, Josh Jacobs thrashed out 29.5, and even the LV defense joined the feeding frenzy with 19. The Great Unwashed, meanwhile, looked like they’d been rolled up in a wet newspaper and left outside overnight — Stafford and Boswell contributing about as much energy as a spent vape pen. Tom’s team now sits at the bottom of the league, muttering dark things about the podcast hosts.

Fred Durst keeps on rolling, baby. Behind Mahomes (32), Pickens (31.5), and Taylor (27), the league leader sprayed points like a firehose at a Limp Bizkit reunion. Jackalope Society fought gamely — McConkey (25.5) and Danny Dimes (23) doing their best impression of a functioning offense — but it wasn’t enough. The Jackalopes are now 2-4 and reportedly “reevaluating” after trade talks with Mike fell apart faster than a Tinder match post-photo filter reveal.

This was a brawl in a kebab shop. JSN (34) and Baker Mayfield (20) carried the Misfits through a spicy shootout, while Jamar Chase (20) provided the garlic sauce finish. Homer’s Gyros countered with Cameron Skattebo (30) and Kyren Williams (23), but their LAR defense (20) couldn’t plug the leak. The Misfits climb to 3-3, officially the most dangerous .500 team in the league — a dumpster fire somehow running on rocket fuel.

This was less a football game and more a back-alley mugging. Bijan Robinson (40) went nuclear, Dak (22) looked sober for once, and even the Seahawks D/ST (14) joined the fun. Ertz Wentz I Pee stumbled through the night like they were playing blindfolded — McCaffrey (19.5) the only bright spot in a sea of regret. At 69 points (nice, but not really), it’s the fantasy equivalent of trying to power a Tesla with a potato battery.

The Jeanty-man emerged from the intellectual swamp this week swinging a crowbar. Drake London (32), Kendrick Bourne (21.5), and Jalen Hurts (20) turned the matchup into a think-tank on pain delivery. Find Yourself a CeeDee, meanwhile, forgot to find themselves a touchdown — Jayden Daniels (21) tried, but the rest of the roster put up numbers that looked like a math quiz gone wrong. CeeDee’s 60.5 points mark one of the lowest totals of the season — a masterclass in existential fantasy dread.

In the Battle of Bad Names, Ham Stroker’s crew managed to edge out the Hummers in what felt like a contest sponsored by Axe Body Spray and regret. Devon Achane (33) and Kevin Vidal (26.5) exploded early, while Herbert (19) closed it out with the emotional steadiness of a stepdad drinking boxed wine. The Hummers hung around thanks to Denver’s defense (19), but the rest of their squad looked like they’d been replaced with mannequins. The Ejaculators inch up the standings, leaving the Hummers sticky and 2-4.